


becoming whole again

by lianhuawu



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-26 23:00:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18726607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lianhuawu/pseuds/lianhuawu
Summary: Morgan looks up at him with a beaming smile, and his heart swells. Later that day, when Steve and Natasha and Scott show up on his doorstep talking about time travel, it’s that smile that keeps him from jumping headfirst into the idea. He can be reckless if it’s just him on the line, but now he has a kid who relies on him.Peter was a kid who relied on him once, too.





	becoming whole again

**Author's Note:**

> so i basically just wrote this to cope with the way endgame totally and utterly destroyed me. the title comes from one of the tracks on the official soundtrack that really fit with how writing this fic made me feel.
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoy <3

Tony Stark doesn’t remember the last time he got a full night’s sleep. 

When he’d inherited the company all those years ago, he gave up the idea of relaxation. Not when his brain was constantly running through new inventions, new ideas, not when he knew that he couldn’t rest until he was bigger and better. After he’d become Iron Man, his nights were often spent with his head, never ceasing, reviewing every mistake he’s ever made and every dangerous situation he’s ever been in. He stayed in the lab, tinkering on his suit or working on his AIs until the sun rose. In the rare occasions that his eyes closed, it was a few hours at most before a nightmare snapped him back awake. There were a lot of positives to being a genius, but there were negatives, too.

Now, the reason for his insomnia is Morgan. For all of his perceived confidence, his success as a creator was derived entirely from anxious perfectionism. When it comes to kids, though, it’s not possible to be perfect. A child isn’t a machine that you can shape into whatever you desire, but Tony has always been most comfortable with technology. So, now, he spends his nights worrying. Even when Pepper is sound asleep, head resting on his chest, Tony stares up at the ceiling and thinks of Morgan in the other room, how she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, how he’s so terrified that he’s going to fuck it all up. 

And then, eventually, his thoughts always turn to Peter.

Loss, trauma, and guilt have governed much of Tony’s life. Loss started early on, with the death of his parents, and trauma came a little later, after his kidnapping and following the Battle of New York. But guilt? Guilt started with Peter Parker.  

Tony knows how to take what he wants. He knows how to be selfish—it’s what kept him and his ambition alive. At first, he didn’t see much in approaching Peter and recruiting him for the team. He didn’t expect Peter to be so eager and genuine, and he definitely didn’t expect to get so attached. When Peter had ended up on the spaceship with him and Stephen Strange, Tony’s never before felt such an acute sense of guilt. Peter’s a kid, who didn’t ask to be caught up in an interplanetary conflict. If Tony had never approached him, he’d likely still be safe at home.

And when Peter had whispered “I’m sorry” before crumbling in his arms, all Tony could think is  _ my fault, my fault, my fault _ . He’d never expected to love Peter like a son, but it happened anyway. 

If Pepper keeps Tony sane, and Morgan keeps him alive, Peter Parker had kept him grounded. Tony’s head was always in the clouds, but Peter taught him how much the smaller things matter. Peter taught him the joy of a good New York pizza slice and the satisfaction of a sunny day. Tony had never expected a high schooler to open his eyes to something he’d never realized, but Peter managed it. 

Peter Parker was nothing but the unexpected, the anomaly of Tony’s life. And, more than anything, Tony regrets that he’d lost him.

It’s six in the morning when Morgan bursts into their room with all the glory of an energetic toddler and demands waffles. One look at Tony’s face, and Pepper can tell how little he’d slept that night, so she’s the one who climbs out of bed to scoop Morgan into her arms.

When Tony joins them for breakfast, Morgan is enthusiastically stabbing at fruit with her plastic fork. Pepper’s already made him toast and steaming hot coffee, just the way he likes it. 

Morgan looks up at him with a beaming smile, and his heart swells. Later that day, when Steve and Natasha and Scott show up on his doorstep talking about time travel, it’s that smile that keeps him from jumping headfirst into the idea. He can be reckless if it’s just him on the line, but now he has a kid who relies on him. 

Peter was a kid who relied on him once, too. 

  
  


⎊

  
  


If he’s being entirely honest, Tony is tired of fighting Thanos. It’s their second time going at it—third, if he counts Squidward and his buddies coming down to New York five years ago—and Tony is decidedly sick of aliens. Well, ones that aren’t on his side. 

Still, though, Tony’s come this far. If the Avengers aren’t gonna try to save the universe now, who is?

So he fights until he can’t anymore. He and Steve and Thor have fought together so many times that it’s as seamless as breathing. Any other person wouldn’t stand a chance against them, but when they’d formed the team all those years ago, they’d never bargained on having to take down a giant purple alien man to protect their planet. 

Everything happens so fast. Steve’s rolling up his sleeves to take on the army that comes pouring out of the sky, and then there’s portals opening around them—Sam Wilson and Wanda Maximoff and T’Challa and the people whom they’d lost, back. Tony is useless: all he can think is  _ Peter _ . 

But there’s still a war to fight, so he fights. Every few minutes, he thinks he catches a glimpse of red flashing through the sky, but it’s just as easily blood as it is Peter Parker. 

He’s knocked down to the ground for a second and then someone helps pick himself back up, starts talking in his usual rapid fire high pitched tone, and for all his wondering, it takes a second for him to realize that Peter’s right there, in front of him, after five years of nightmares and regrets. 

“Holy cow,” he says, “you will not believe what’s going on,” and Tony just watches him talk, his wide eyes and enthusiastic hand gestures, and he missed him so  _ fucking _ much. Peter’s still talking, but Tony can’t help but step closer, arms open, and hug the boy.

Peter falls quiet. Tony can feel him breathe out shakily, and it’s like the world momentarily pauses around them. 

“Oh,” Peter says, because god knows he can’t stay silent for long, “this is nice.” 

It  _ is _ nice. In the middle of this war torn battlefield, Peter Parker feels like a tiny piece of home. 

They’re only embracing for an instant, but Tony is ready to take on Thanos’s entire army single handedly for Peter’s safety. There’s an explosion a little ways away and Tony pulls back, grips Peter’s shoulders.  

“Stay sharp, kid,” Tony advises. He wishes he could stay longer but, hey, they have a war to win. 

Peter nods, resolute. “See you later, Mr. Stark,” and he says it so confidently that Tony can’t help but believe it, that eventually they’ll get more than twenty seconds to catch up on the past five years.

Of course, nothing ever goes the way you expect it. When Tony pulls the gauntlet over his hand, his mind is startlingly clear—it’s the only way. And if death comes in the wake of saving the earth, then so be it. 

When Peter finds him, he’s crying. “We won, Mr. Stark,” he says, voice shaking. “You did it, sir. You did it.” And Tony wants to reply,  _ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you _ , but his voice isn’t working. He doesn’t ever remember telling Peter that he loves him like he would love his own son, that all he wanted was to see him grow bigger and brighter and stronger. He wants to say  _ I love you _ , but he can’t, so he prays that Peter already knows. 

Then Pepper’s kneeling in front of him, and Tony knows it’s over. 

“We’ll be okay,” she whispers. Pepper’s always been so good at reading Tony’s mind, and the reassurance slows his heartbeat. “You can rest now.”

Tony can’t remember the last time he slept a good night’s sleep, so he lets himself drift away. And for once in his life, he sleeps for a very, very long time.

  
  


⎊

  
  


The air is bright on the day that Tony’s laid to rest. After they send the reactor floating away on the lake, Peter pulls a crumpled up piece of paper from his pocket and smooths it out. Pepper looks back at him from where she’s standing and smiles, so he breathes in and steps past Steve and Happy and Rhodey to the edge of the dock.

Pepper pulls Morgan back to give him some space, and he looks out over the lake for a few long seconds. It’s hard to let anything feel real right now, but he at least has to try, so he turns around and faces the rest of them: aliens, superheroes, humans alike.

“Hi,” he says. “If it was up to me, I probably wouldn’t be up here at all, but Mrs. Potts told me it would be nice if I said something and,” Peter clears his throat, “I don’t think it’s possible to say no to Mrs. Potts.” A quiet laugh ripples over the others. 

Peter looks down at what he’d prepared, but it suddenly feels all wrong, so he stuffs the paper back into his pocket. “We all know Tony Stark was a hero,” he says, “but that’s not what I’m trying to talk about. We all know he was a genius, one of the smartest people we ever knew, but that’s not what matters now.”

He takes a deep breath in. As much as this is for Tony, it’s for him too. Peter’s spent every waking hour thinking and every sleeping hour dreaming, and trying to ignore it all, but there’s only so much that you can try to forget about something before it destroys you.

“The first funeral I ever went to was my Uncle Ben’s. I never had a dad before him, and not after him either. My Aunt May took care of me—and it was enough—until I got my powers. I was alone, and afraid, until Mr. Stark showed up. Sure, I didn’t—I didn’t really get him at first but...he was kind of like the father I never had. He taught me so much, about being a superhero, and...I don’t know what I’m gonna do without him.”

Peter’s not even really sure what he’s saying, but his heart is so heavy, so full of feelings that he doesn’t know how to stop. 

“But I know some things,” he continues. “I know that nobody’s ever gonna forget Tony Stark. And I know that I love him, and he never told me that he loves me too, but I know I’m gonna believe that he did. And I know that you guys—the rest of the Avengers—you guys were family to him.” Peter looks up, looks at Steve, Rhodey, Thor, Clint, all of them: they look back at him, unwavering. “I know this because he always talked about you guys in that half-sarcastic half-fond way that he talked about everything that he loved—you guys know what I’m talking about, right?” And Steve snorts out a sort of a laugh, so Peter takes that as a yes. 

“You guys were his family,” Peter says, “even when he made his own.” Finally, he looks at Pepper, who’s smiling through the tears visible in her eyes. He looks down at Morgan, who’s staring up back at him, eyes wide. Peter steps forward and kneels down to eye level with her. She’s not making a sound, and even if Peter didn’t know already, he would have been able to tell that she was Mr. Stark’s kid.

“Morgan,” Peter greets. “We never got to meet before this, but I think your dad would have wanted us to be friends. Would you like that?” He lifts his hand, folded, for a fistbump. Morgan just eyes it down for a few seconds, but instead of responding in kind, she places her small hand on top of Peter’s hand and squeezes. Peter takes that as a yes. 

“Good,” he replies, “because, oh man, I have so many stories for you.” And that’s when he starts crying—Pepper pulls him to his feet and encases him in her arms. Then Aunt May is embracing him too, and Peter is crying, crying, crying, smiling, because he’s honored and so so happy that he’d been able to know Tony like he did. And it hurts so so bad to know he’s gone.  

But Morgan’s tiny arms wrap around his leg in a hug, and he knows that everything’s going to be okay.

Later, Peter is sitting cross-legged on the grass by the side of the lake. He’s not very sure what he’s feeling, but it’s a little lighter than before. The day is absolutely beautiful, and Peter’s glad for it. Tony always said that rainy weather made his joints creak, whatever that meant.

He’s joined, eventually, by Steve Rogers, who sits next to him for a few minutes without speaking. Peter thinks it’s kind of funny, like a corny joke you’d hear—a hundred year old supersoldier and a teenage spider mutant walk into a bar, what happens next?

“How’re you feeling?” is the first thing he asks, which Peter thinks is kind of a dumb question. He’s always looked up to Captain America, but right now, everything feels grounded, like they’re just two normal people sitting by a lake at a funeral. 

“I’m feeling,” Peter replies. Steve coughs under his breath. It’s  _ awkward _ .

“Well,” Steve starts, “on the behalf of the rest of the Avengers, you’re welcome to come talk to us, if you ever want to. Tony was the only one of us who really knew you, and I know it must be hard to lose that. But you don’t have to be alone, Peter Parker,” he says. 

Peter blinks. “Wow,” he says. “You’re so sincere, its crazy.” Steve does that awkward cough thing again. “But, thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good,” Steve replies, and nods. He goes to stand up, and before turning to walk away, claps Peter on the shoulder firmly. In the end, Peter feels a little warmed by it.

The morning turns into afternoon before Peter can take a breath in. His reflection in the lake is disturbed by ripples, but he can make out puffy eyes and pale skin. He’s there for a long time, and eventually, he lies down on the grass and stares up at the clear sky.

He’s there for a long time and, eventually, Aunt May calls out for him, says they have to go home; he has school tomorrow, and he’s already missed five years of it. 

“Just give me another minute!” Peter replies, because the sun is falling gently on his face and the breeze is perfect, and it feels a lot like coming home.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!


End file.
